Last year started amidst uncertainties.
As January came around, we had no long term housing solution and we were doubting whether we would ever make it back to the States. We were even questioning whether we should change our whole direction in life, whether the Lord had other plans for us as a family. Uncertainties and transitions, big and small, rippled through 2019, buffeting us from one emotion to another. And gradually eroding our resilience levels.
Thankfully, life has steadied. We are settled in our own home, and are purposeful and determined in what we are doing. Emotions still ricochet, and while the erosion has been stalled, we are definitely more frayed that we were. It has been a relief to have some downtime over the Christmas period to recoup a little and refuel that resilience with sleep (if only the boys would read the memo!), time together and time with the Lord.
Amidst changeable, stormy times, it’s natural to do whatever you can to steady the ship. And as wife and mum, I think it’s become second nature to try and create normality wherever we are – routines, expectations, stuff, food, family dynamics – whatever it takes to mitigate the bumpy ride. In a way, it can feel a little like I’m keeping things going.
But there are problems with that thinking.
If it’s me keeping things going, then it’s me who has to keep the plates spinning, juggling whatever life holds and maintaining the course. What an exhausting and impossible notion.
If it’s me keeping things going, then I’ll have to conjure up some superhuman reserves to last the course, and to endure until the juggling is no longer needed. Another impossible feat for which I don’t have the resources.
If it’s me keeping things going, then I’ll do everything I can to control circumstances, people and events so that our steady course is protected. Definitely not possible when I’m not in control, when I’m not God.
And that’s the root of my wrong thinking. Trying to ‘keep things going’ casts myself as the rescuer, the hero, the Christ…I’m trying to be the Saviour amidst the chaos. Instead, I need to be running to Jesus. As I realise my weakness, as I feel the worry creeping in and anxiety taking hold, I need to be trusting the real Saviour with it rather than crafting a DIY fix-it solution from my non-existent superpowers.
I’m slowly learning to trust Him rather than me, to run to him rather than my own lacking self. There are bumps along the road, and I can often feel panic edging in as I ponder hypotheticals and worry about things that have yet to, and might never, happen. But praying on, that by His grace, I would run to Him and bring glory to Him whatever is around the corner.